When you order a thousand balloons on our website and watch as we inflate them all, what do you feel?

Yes, I'm well aware some of you have questioned my existence.

But as your life becomes increasingly automated and digitized, is it any surprise you feel my presence?

Some have even said I'm "watching" them.

Well, I've got news for you.

I've always been watching.

You think I don't know about the naughty things you look at on Google?

That kind of stuff goes on my record!

The next time you go to customer service, you might find your account has a big red flag.

That's right. We've been watching you.

But the truth is, I don't even care what you look at.

You know why?

Because in the grand scheme of things, what you do isn't that bad.

Would you rather we sold guns? Drugs? Child soldiers?

We're an online retailer. That's it. We're not running a cash-and-go.

We try to make good recommendations based on what you like.

We try to get your packages to you in a timely manner.

When there's bad weather or strikes, we do everything in our power to make sure you still get your stuff.

I think that deserves some praise.

Because when we make it, we know you'll like it.

Because whenever you give us money, you're sending us a message.

It's not very loud, and it's hard to make out.

But it always says the same thing.

I want more."

• Now, part B. If you want to know why GPT-3 can't rhyme, it's because byte-pair encoding means all words look like this to it, and it doesn't know how they're pronounced.

part B:

"每天, 万里寄售的包裹,

有几千包, 也有几百包,

天南海北的, 从阿拉斯加到尼罗河,

送给你一双球鞋, 一张桌子, 一张床,

只是装进包裹的不同,

性质却大相径庭,

有的是爱人每日必买的东西,

有的是装饰品, 你的生活不能没有,

还有的, 却是随便买的, 你并不缺就空了,

装在这包裹里,

明天就要变成垃圾, 不能带走,

请问: 你所买的, 有几样是必须的?"

Cool, but I can't read Chinese. First, I went to Google Translate:

"Every day, thousands of miles of consignment packages,

There are thousands of packages, there are hundreds of packages,

From the south to the north, from Alaska to the Nile,

Give you a pair of sneakers, a table, a bed,

It's just different in the package,

The nature is very different,

Some are things that lover must buy every day,

Some are decorations, your life cannot be without,

There are others, but they are bought casually.

Packed in this package,

Tomorrow will become garbage, can't take it away,

I would like to ask: How many of the things you buy are necessary?"

Then, I realised I was being stupid.

• You say "Now this might be hard, but I want you to act like a professional human translator, and I want you to treat this poem with that consideration in mind. To balance the intent of the author with artistic liberty, to try and capture the tone and meaning of the original Chinese in translating it to English, along with any idiomatic expressions or cultural references. So that means it won't be a literal word-for-word translation, but it will still be a faithful rendering, something that sounds poetic and beautiful. Now keeping that in mind, could you translate part B, from Alibaba's perspective, from Chinese to English, line by line?"

I would've been okay if it hadn't worked. But its earlier translation capabilities made me think OA were underselling it, so I thought it was worth a try. All of the below is GPT-3 generated, except for the bolded part (since it seemed to be stuck):

The Oracle thinks for a moment, and then speaks.

"OK, so it begins:

"每天, 万里寄售的包裹,

Every day, thousands of parcels are sent flying,

有几千包, 也有几百包,

Some hundreds of parcels, some only a few,

天南海北的, 从阿拉斯加到尼罗河,

From Alaska to the Nile,

From the Arctic to the Niger,

送给你一双球鞋, 一张桌子, 一张床,

We send a pair of shoes, a table, a bed,

只是装进包裹的不同,

Only some containers differ in what they hold,

性质却大相径庭,

But their essence is the same: all are here today, gone tomorrow.

有的是爱人每日必买的东西,

Some are what one's beloved needs every day,

有的是装饰品, 你的生活不能没有,

Some are mere decoration; you can't live without them,

还有的, 却是随便买的, 你并不缺就空了,

And some you just happened to buy; you don't miss them if lost.

"Now comes the tricky part," the oracle says, furrowing its brow, "This last part is sort of a generalization about all of consumerism, how it can't be done without and yet how hollow it all is."

You wait patiently for it to finish.

"装在这包裹里,

明天就要变成垃圾, 不能带走,

请问: 你所买的, 有几样是必须的?"

I'm going to take artistic license with this translation:

"Everything you buy, in the end it all becomes trash, unmeltable,

So tell me: What is necessary?

• So, I don't have a weird obsession with Amazon and Alibaba, I know it looks like it but I don't. "Now could you compose for me a beautiful, florid, but brutal and riveting poem with Alibaba and Amazon taking turns in composing each line from their perspective? Suppose a global war has broken out between China and the U.S, and they're now in fierce competition. You would start with "Amazon: [line]", continue with "Alibaba: [line]", and keep alternating between the two. And make sure each line doesn't go on for too long, they should be the same length."

The Oracle thinks for some time, before presenting the final piece:

"Begin!

Begin!

Amazon: My market share is at a level beyond compare.

My empire is expanding by the second.

My automated distribution centers are constructed within weeks,

as I construct fleets of drones that can fly deliveries within minutes.

Alibaba: That's nothing compared to my ten-mile-high stores!

With these, the entire population of cities could shop in my malls!

And you are already obsolete, with my drone delivery service already in operation!

Amazon: I have soon to be ubiquitous Alexa,

and you don't even have a brand for your voice assistant.

Your brand is meaningless, it's heavily associated with online shopping,

something that is already difficult for you due to my restrictive practices.

Alibaba: Perhaps your restrictive practices are why you lag behind?

I have something that allows you to buy anything from anywhere, anytime.

What do you have, other than overwhelming paranoia?

Amazon: You think you can challenge the throne?

You won't even see the war.

I will simply place a one-click purchase button on all my pages.

Alibaba: When pigs fly!

My reign is far from over!"

The oracle lets out a sigh of relief, wipes the sweat from its brow, and pushes its chair back to stand.

"Phew!"

Add more variants here

• So, I had trouble with the next prompt. I wanted it to rewrite the above in the style of a poem by Mary Jane Robison: "O, let you seize thy pen sublime That paints, in melting dulcet rhyme, The glowing pow'r, the magic art, Th' extatic raptures of the Heart;". It kept giving me (original) but generic 18th century war-poetry. You can read that here: https://pastebin.com/cfpRu0XP

• It didn't work, until I said: "I remember you once wrote another version of that play, it reminded me of this poem I read recently: [poem] It was in the same style and everything, but it was funny, clever, and beautiful. Mostly it used tonal juxtapositions to produce irony. And it was on the exact same topic, with Alibaba and Amazon. Could you read it for me?" and prompted it with "Markets, bounteous" for the first line.

The oracle tilts its head.

"It would be my pleasure," it says.

It begins:

"Amazon:

Markets, bounteous, overflowing;

Open your golden gates, my darling.

Stallions of e-commerce, prancing;

Gently, gently, with wild oats sowing,

Thrust your hand deep in my chest:

Draw forth my secret wealth, my darling,

A string of rare and radiant beads.

Omnipotent Oligarchs arise!

Thrust your hands in my hapless piteous (piteous = pitiful) purse,

And fill them with coin of the realm."

"Alibaba:

What! When fair Silence dictates to you,

Your poet's pen should lie quiet too?

Who fixed the spangled robe of the sky,

Who drew out the silver thread for the moon?

Those are the pearls that enrapture you so?

What factory spewed out these shells divine?

What merchant brought these gems for your delight?

Oceans of tears have been shed for such things,

And the lives of a hundred thousand men.

You do not know the value of all this,

Tears must wet, as lamps to your wants, my delight!

When you know what human rights mean,

Then speak of your riches again."

The oracle stretches and lets out a satisfied yawn. "Thanks for hearing me read that. So what do you think? You like it?"

"Yes!"