Letterman at Mc Donald's
November 26, 1993
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LETTERMAN: Yes. Welcome to Mc Donald's. What do you want?
CUSTOMER: Hello.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, what can I do for you?
CUSTOMER: Medium Sprite.
LETTERMAN: Let me have that order again, please.
CUSTOMER: Sprite.
LETTERMAN: Medium Sprite?
CUSTOMER: That's it.
LETTERMAN: That's all?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
LETTERMAN: You couldn't have gotten out of your car for a medium Sprite?
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CUSTOMER: Give me two no. 3's.
LETTERMAN: Two no. 3's.
CUSTOMER: And that should be it then.
LETTERMAN: You know, instead of two no. 3's, I'm just gonna give you a no. 6. Is that all right?
CUSTOMER: That's fine.
LETTERMAN: All right, come on through, and you better have a smile on your face.
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LETTERMAN: (talking to co-worker) You know, Fatima, what I heard is that Ronald Mc Donald is gay. Did you hear that? Have you heard anything like that?
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LETTERMAN: Hello.
CUSTOMER: Hi. Can I have two cheeseburgers and a small order of fries.
LETTERMAN: You know, ma'am, we're really busy. Can I ask you to circle the lot once or twice so we can kind of collect ourselves here? If you don't mind, it would really help us out a lot. We're just up to our necks here.
CUSTOMER: Who is this?
LETTERMAN: None of your business. Just circle the lot and we'll pick you up the next time, all right? Circle the lot.
(The car takes off and circles the lot.)
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LETTERMAN: What can I do for you?
CUSTOMER: I'll take a cheeseburger and a small Coke, please.
LETTERMAN: This is a car wash. Do you want the wax and a wheel job?
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LETTERMAN: Hi. Welcome to Mc Donald's.
CUSTOMER: What's in your Happy Meal?
LETTERMAN: You have to prove to me that you're happy or you're not getting anything. A Happy Meal is veal shank, german potato salad and a side of lime jello.
CUSTOMER: I'll have a small fry, a quarter-pounder with cheese.
LETTERMAN: Okay. We're completely out of hamburgers. I'm sorry. Ma'am? We're just out of the burgers today.
CUSTOMER: Are you for real?
LETTERMAN: I couldn't get to the market. We ran out around 9:00, and I've just been strapped here, so I can't get away. Can you go by and get us some ground beef? Hello, Ma'am?
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LETTERMAN: Yes. Welcome to Mc Donald's.
CUSTOMER: Get me a cheeseburger.
LETTERMAN: Your order is a cheeseburger?
CUSTOMER: Yep.
LETTERMAN: Are you busy right now?
CUSTOMER: I gotta head to work. Why?
LETTERMAN: Could you swing by the grocery store and get us a bag of onions?
CUSTOMER: A bag of onions?
LETTERMAN: Yeah. We're running low.
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LETTERMAN: Hello.
CUSTOMER: Yeah. What is that two cheeseburgers meal? What do you get with that?
LETTERMAN: You want two cheeseburger meals?
CUSTOMER: No.
LETTERMAN: What do you get with this?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
LETTERMAN: You get a free pack of cigarettes.
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LETTERMAN: The regular kid had to take a day off.
He swallowed a straw.
CUSTOMER: And they got you?
LETTERMAN: Yeah. He swallowed a straw.
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LETTERMAN: Hello.
CUSTOMER: Yeah. Get a no. 3.
LETTERMAN: A no. 3?
CUSTOMER: Yeah.
LETTERMAN: What else?
CUSTOMER: Uh, uh—
LETTERMAN: You sound like you're having trouble making up your mind. Are you all right?
CUSTOMER: I'm all right.
LETTERMAN: Is everything all right at home?
CUSTOMER: Yeah.
LETTERMAN: Is everything all right with your family?
CUSTOMER: Yeah.
LETTERMAN: Is everything all right at work?
CUSTOMER: Yeah. It's all right at work.
LETTERMAN: You sound just, you know, like a little depressed or something. How old are you, sir?
CUSTOMER: 30.
LETTERMAN: 30. Are you pretty much happy with where you are in life?
CUSTOMER: It's a No. 3, all right?
LETTERMAN: I'm more concerned about you. Do you have anybody you can talk to?
CUSTOMER: Is it ready? Is it gonna be ready or what?
LETTERMAN: Yes, the food's ready. Sure, the food will always be ready. Are you ready? All right. Good luck to you. Come on in.
CUSTOMER: Thanks.
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LETTERMAN: United 16957, 727. This is Kennedy Ground Control. What's the problem? Power it on in.
CUSTOMER: I have your onions here.
LETTERMAN: What?
CUSTOMER: The ten-pound bag of onions.
LETTERMAN: You're got the onions? All right. Come on through. We really appreciate it. Thanks for helping out.
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CUSTOMER: Four Cokes, please.
LETTERMAN: Four Cokes.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me. Three Cokes and a Sprite.
LETTERMAN: I'm sorry. You said four and you're gettin' four. I'm up to my neck in orders. You said four and that's what we're gonna do.
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LETTERMAN: That deal at CBS went away. No, that thing fell through. That's why I'm working here.
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CUSTOMER: Can I have two Whoppers, please.
LETTERMAN: We're all out of Whopples.
CUSTOMER: No. Whoppers, Whoppers.
LETTERMAN: We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.
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CUSTOMER: Give me some ice cream without the cone. Just put it in a cup.
LETTERMAN: You want cheese on that?
CUSTOMER: On what?
LETTERMAN: On the ice cream cone?
CUSTOMER: Do I want cheese on it? No, not quite.
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CUSTOMER: One diet coke, medium.
LETTERMAN: One diet coke medium. How about some cole slaw?
CUSTOMER: That's it.
LETTERMAN: Huh?
CUSTOMER: No.
LETTERMAN: How about some macaroni salad?
CUSTOMER: No, thank you.
LETTERMAN: How about some potato salad? How about a swell garden salad? Hello.
CUSTOMER: Hello. Thank you.
LETTERMAN: No salad at all?
CUSTOMER: No.
LETTERMAN: Hello.
CUSTOMER: No, no salad.
LETTERMAN: When is the last time you had a salad?
CUSTOMER: I'm in a rush to get back to work.
LETTERMAN: Is it all right if we touch your food before we give it to you? How much do you weigh? Hello.
(The car squeals out of Mc Donald's.)