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More than any other man, Pablo Escobar is responsible for more inebriated bathroom stall blow jobs than any other man in history. Thanks to his tireless efforts in the creation, harvesting, and distribution of cocaine throughout North and South America, Escobar became a multi-billionaire and the progenitor of a booming drug empire that confounded the United State's government, the DEA, and Nancy Regan.

He started out as a poor little boy in a small town in Columbia. Rionegro was his birthplace in 1949, and it soon became the spawning grounds for his empire. A few miles down the road was Medellin, the town that would soon become the namesake of his drug cartel. Although it was deemed a gang, a cult, and an army by the American and Columbian government, the Medellin drug cartel was really a city devoted to it's most famous and powerful son.

In the beginning, Columbians grew and sold coca plants and extracts to outside interests, never really paying attention to what the vegetation was used for. When Escobar came of age in the late 60's, he quickly realized that all this coca was being snorted up the noses of the rapidly expanding drug world in America. As such, he decided that the best way to make money off of the sale and processing was to control all sides of the business.

He quickly took over all the coca fields around Medellin, paying farmers and workers double what they were making on their own. Escobar then opened processing labs and facilities nearby to turn the plants into sweet, sweet nose candy. Finally, he sent friends and relatives north to America to head up sales initiatives and insure that his product was fetching top dollar.

By the mid 70's, Escobar's efforts had created the disco culture, bell-bottom pants, and the pet rock. How else could all of these abominations be described?

But the United State's government soon took notice. The DEA became a powerful tool for the expansion of American interests in South America, and by the time Regan was in the white house, Escobar was forced to hide his refining and processing facilities all around northern South America.

But by 1982, Pablo Escobar was an unstoppable force. He was raking in billions of dollars from American coke heads, and he used those funds to win the hearts and minds of Medellin residents. He built hospitals, schools, and low income housing projects for his loyal subjects. By years end, he was even elected to a seat in the Columbian congress.

No lawyer would prosecute him, no judge would hear a trial against him. Pablo was untouchable thanks to mountains of cash and walls made of goons. Yet for all his wealth, he was still hounded by a singular, mindless, unshakable enemy: his own neurosis.

One of Escobar's most fundamental character flaws was his obsessive attention to cleanliness and personal grooming. His palatial estate was furnished with multiple bathrooms so that he could have the renovated, cleaned, and replaced on a rotating schedule. His home was kept spotless, and he took great pains to insure no blood got on the carpet when he shot failed business partners in the head.

As the clamp of the DEA began to close down around Escobar's throat, he was also beset by rival gangs who coveted his empire. An open war broke out between the Medellin cartel and a rival group of violent Columbian drug yuppies.

Around 1990, Escobar decided that he would be safer in prison than in his own home. So he turned himself into the Columbian military. The United States was ecstatic. At least, for a little while. Soon, Escobar began renovating the prison he chose for his stint in jail. The facility was on a hill top above Medellin, and Escobar spent millions of dollars to turn it into his own personal fortress. When all was said and done, he was basically serving his time in a mansion guarded by the military. He removed all cell doors and bars, had the bathrooms ripped out and replaced, and placed new parapets on top of the building for his soldiers to keep an eye out for marauders.

The US began monitoring Escobar's actions from outside the prison walls, unable to enter due to the highly motivated and well bribed Columbian military prison guards Escobar had hired. Pablo began conducting business by carrier pigeon and word of mouth, since he soon realized that his phone conversations were being tapped.

But soon, things began to fall apart. George Bush and Ronald Regan began sending troops directly into Columbia and burned numerous coca fields to cinders, hampering Escobars empire. The 34 year old coke baron left the safety of his prison and went into hiding/

While on the run, he placed a bounty on the heads of any police officer, American citizen, and military personnel within Medellin. He paid $300 to anyone who killed one of these folks.

Eventually, the US began to track down Pablo: it was easy to find his hiding spaces since he always had his bathrooms replaced upon arrival. In 1996, after running for three years, Pablo Escobar was cornered in an apartment building. The Columbian secret police stormed the building and shot Escobar dead within moments. And so died the cocaine age.


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